My Heart

Terrible, terrible things we discover about the world.

I don't even know if I want to mention them - I hesitate, because I hate to destroy someone's idea of what the world is like.

Can someone live their whole lives without realizing the terrible things that happen in the world?

I don't know how people make it through life... one really admires resilience, but perhaps resilience is made mostly up of ignorance rather than strength. We move on by ignoring... but what about those whose nature it is not to ignore, to be unable to ignore?

I was at Walgreen's today, thinking of buying some Q-tips, because I've run out. Well, I decided against it, because it seems like a waste of paper and packaging to create something that is really a luxury (and because they cost $5 that I'd rather use on food). On the way out of the store, I saw People magazine showing the picture of a girl who had been kidnapped 18 years ago and had only now been discovered.

There were many disturbing things about this story and other related stories. One thing I must mention is that I fucking hate police. In both cases that I looked at, these bastards did not follow leads that may have led to the discovery of these victims earlier. In one case, the monster who did the crime was actually on fucking parole FOR RAPE AND KIDNAPPING ALREADY.

I'm a liberal in almost every way imaginable - but I cannot help but have this lingering sense that the judicial system is ridiculous. Police seem to always hurt those who don't need to be punished and do nothing to help those who have been hurt. It's fucking ridiculous. I know there is no real solution, but it really boils my blood to see anyone (I mean lawyers) coming to the defense of people like these, while most of the help that was rallied up for the victims was done by the families and communities themselves.

Isn't there some balance between the arbitrary beheadings of Elizabethan England and the excessively long and bureaucratic trials we have today?

You know why I don't think it's worse for an innocent person to be punished than for someone who is guilty not to be punished? Because we all likely deserve punishment and because we would all be horrible if the circumstances made us ripe for it. Hamlet: "Use every man after his desert, and who shall 'scape whipping?" Indeed. Not only that, I think it's worse to let a guilty person go free and have him commit another crime than to unjustly sentence an innocent person. Why? Because in the former case there are two or more victims, plus all the relationships of those victims.

I know this rant is being made completely out of my emotions, but it feels good to write about this in this way. These outrages of the world must have some target... so long as there are criminals out there, I can vent upon them. I hate them, hate them, hate them. I hate human nature, I hate human defectiveness.

Well, I guess I should be doing something about it rather than ranting? I could never become a prosecuting trial lawyer - I don't have the emotional stamina for that kind of thing. But I could at least work towards creating a better social world so that every single person is acknowledged and cared for, so that we look after the people who are unstable and unfit for society, but more importantly, give everyone the means to live a fulfilled life.

Oh god, how hard this world is...

And I call out because... one wants a god, one wants a solution to this. One does not want it all to be left to human hands, for then it admits of the possibility of failure, and what mind can bear that?

Perhaps I suffer unnecessarily. Perhaps the people who are victims suffer less than I do, because they are not so disposed to contemplating and internalizing. I don't think that's true. I think there are people who suffer a lot more than I... though I also don't doubt that I would suffer greatly if anything horrible ever happened to me or my loved ones...

One wants to be good, even if others are so sick and so angry.

One wants to show love, even if nothing is guaranteed.

I... I love you all. I love you all so deeply.